The Science Of Making Great Connections

by Mark Wiskup (Communication Coach & Authour)

Have you ever noticed that some people have what seems like a naturally magnetic appeal? At networking and other social events, they move with ease between attendees, connecting almost instantly with everyone they meet - and they actually seem to enjoy being there! Perhaps you’ve even wished you had their 'natural talent' for making connections with others.

The good news is there's usually a science to their success, says Mark Wiskup, a communication skills coach and author of The 'It' Factor: Be the One People Like, Listen to, and Remember (AMACOM, 2007). Wiskup asserts anyone can learn to make meaningful connections by asking 'four successful questions about the same topic in reasonable succession.' The first question should be broad, the second more focused, and the third question narrow. Then you should make a declaration, which shows you are interested enough in making a connection that you're willing to share something about yourself, ending with a quick fourth question. Here, says Wiskup, is how it might sound at a typical networking event:

You: What do you do?
Prospect: I'm an attorney at Smith, Wolfson, and Hadad.
You: What type of law do you practice?
Prospect: I'm in real estate litigation.
You: Are you in the middle of a trial right now?
Prospect: No, but we have one set for next week. It's really crunch time, and I'm going to have to duck out of here early tonight.
You: I know Sylvia Jenkins at Fleming and Davis. I think she's a litigator. Have you bumped into her?
Prospect: I know Sylvia very well. We sit on the continuing education panel for the county bar association. How do you know Sylvia?

Notice the formula - three questions, followed by a declaration, and a quick fourth question. It sounds very natural and you'll find it gives you some good, quick insights as well as paves the way for additional questions and further conversation. It's very likely that after you discuss how you know Sylvia, the other person will ask what you do and suddenly you'll find you've been in conversation for several minutes and have made a meaningful connection.

While the formula is simple on paper, it does take some practice to perfect it. Moreover, Wiskup recommends you limit your initial inquiry to one of three topics - employment/profession, hometown, and hobbies/favourite activities. You're pretty much assured of making a connection with any of these topics. Steer clear of the weather and sports. The weather, says Wiskup, is the 'gutter' of small talk. It's a dead end. And not everybody loves or follows sports. Mention last night's big game to a non-sports-loving prospect and you'll be back on that dead-end street.

Obviously, the 'three questions, declaration, and final question' approach doesn't work 100 percent of the time - nothing does. Sometimes the other guy doesn't want to talk – or worse, will be looking over his shoulder for a 'better' conversation in the room. In these cases, just give the other person two minutes of your undivided attention and then politely move on to the next person. But these will be the exceptions. When you follow this formula every time you're in a networking or small-talk situation, you'll find you make solid connections with far greater consistency than ever before. And before you know it, you'll be that guy in the room whom everyone says is a 'natural' at connecting with others.